06/03/26 written by Nickolette Burnette

Hi, It’s me, Nickolette. I’m feeling not so fly or high in the clouds today. I don’t know where to start, but i hope that someone hears me out there, anyone… i feel like a mess. my emotions feels bipolar, my mind is repeating the same disaster thought process, nothing has changed, my heart seems hardened, i am questioning if there is a hidden sin i am BLIND to, im asking every question wondering every possible thing in the world, trying to refer to my past experiences with the lord to help guide me anywhere because i feel i cant stick to one thing, find a solid anything, behind me these past weeks has been so rough im burdened and it actually makes me stay in bed most days doing nothing until maybe, just maybe something in my heart changes. i feel like ive come to far to just go with my emotions about anything, it seems immature. fasting is something ive neglected the very thought of because i am burnt out dealing with myself anymore, and well, where i am just makes me feel like a mess and disaster of a person. thinking im progressing one second the next, i can’t put into words what im even experiencing, than im wondering is it clinical or spiritual… when will it stop lord what are you doing. am i holding on to something, being disobedient, letting something have power over me, what. am. i. doing. what is wrong. can i be honest, i had such long moments of absolutely complaining and hating so many things about where i am, why… honestly maybe i despise Uncomfortability that much. i can’t figure anything out and my mind feels actually abused at how much i am thinking and trying to help myself these days i just am over this. i could let out a good scream likely every single day because of this. if God is close, than why am i going through this and where is anyyyyyyy direction or understanding in any of it. if he knows who i am than what lord, what. seriously. im over it, losing hope about anything good he has for me. i have absolutely no idea what will happen in these next two months. and i honestly am tired of beginning to think about it. im trying “Practical” things to ease or aid a thing, and yet i just. i feel like the problem. heres the thing, you can’t run away from yourself so how do you deal with it, often times i revolt and detest the very skin and bones this person is, me – lately. and i mean i surely used to hate myself id physically hurt myself because feeling pain is all i knew as a result of just “not being good”. and working with who i am is the hardest fight for me lately. i have what id talked about in the past couple or few posts in the back of my head trying to feel better about it. (a Godly relationship) i dont know if looking to Godly friends, community, family, idk what is here to actually help me. i do want to incline to utilize the resources God has given me to help ease this process myself, i honestly don’t want to try hard anywhere anymore, fight anymore spiritual fights, or begin to go hard in a thing. i feel lazy and over convenient about everything. in my mind im laid back, on vacation, trying to survive. that’s it, im trying to survive when i dont want to even live with myself. then there goes my dreams, hopes, desires, and ambitions. i put myself down a lot. i think i am worthless and exactly what the words of others or what they have done to me thinking i deserve it, i have nothing to defend and don’t disagree is how my heart feels. “ok, you think that. i don’t disagree either, thanks.” shrugs my shoulders and moves on. but then, such a quiet gentle… if i am made in the image of God than, why would i ever think that, i mean he is amazing, but me, when i feel all the things i am, it’s like “deliberate” sin, neglect, or disobedience is all too much of all i can think it is to myself, but in my spirit, i just can’t quite put my finger on it. if i know anything about the lord and the trials ive faced this yr, it is not bad news, and well… God is loving and no where near looking at what you are/i am in any way. he looks at the heart, it reminds me of Cain and Abel. wow… this writing Spiel in my new therapy i think. What a God. i feel as if i also hang on to every tiny little forced outcome possible. i also noticed that i fear men, which may equate to men, but like… after the things that took place this past week ive talked about i cant help but think in my heart to runaway or approach it in it’s eyes because honey ive felt pain and you don’t scare me at all. no in between 😂 idk, i fear their harsh internal thoughts, patterns, and nature as what ive known it to be. i havent experienced it any other way tbh… like… my past got me in the trenches of “why lord, why”. im not convinced i should have gone through a thing i did and definitely did NOT want to. o, have mercy. i barely have it in me to get down on my knees to say a thing to the lord in a well deserved posture because how fake it feels. and that is not my thing, idk how ugly it looks u will see it as it is on the inside, i got nothing to hid. right now, im on a beach tanning in the peace and quiet because i can not tolerate another thought in my own mind leading me to a road of despair. ugh yall. i am not a complainer, really not my thing. so if this is that, idk. id apologize but this is where i am, what im going through, i know gratitude is important. there is a time for it. but then. i care that i understand why i feel the way i feel and what is going on, i just do. it can get ugly. real ugly. but well. only the Lord, he took who i used to be which is now unrecognizable and somehow got me here… i question it alot because hah wut…. uuuuuh. ya i don’t think that was Nickolette doing anything of that. maybe im idolizing something, the possibilites go on and onnnnnnn. im over it. this is supposed to be encouraging, and like, i trust there will be encouragement even if it is not right now… so. pray to the lord with me yall but. even with all that, God is faithful, i have a heart, i love his people, and idk. maybe this is exactly where im meant to be, yes. despising the skin and bones i can’t escape just waiting for something or someone… i hope you know you aren’t alone if you have struggled or do with mental health. it isn’t a joke and it cant really really impact your life. even with the little audacity i DO not even have, im leaning on the promises of God because, well. they are unconditional last time i checked… so i think u should give that a try too. you aren’t alone out there with the thoughts, worries, and pain. God is with u and many many people u know and love go through similar things. it’s time to voice them out because darkness is overcome by the light. In Jesus’ name.

leave a comment about your personal struggles, season, or encouragement for others if you’d like.

sending hugs 🫂

Jer 29:11