written by Nickolette Burnette, (not-so-pretty language is used)

hi friend, how are you doing… i know i went on a Spiel of writing and it’s been a lil bit, if you’re keeping up. im happy to have you and hope this resonates, encourages, or picks U up 🙂 and, well. thank you for being here and taking your time to read this, it means a lot to me. really.

Here i am, ive now been in Chicago since Feb this yr! and woopty mama has it taught me some things. ive been going through it friend, and i mean really going through it. No underscore on that. i have been experiencing some deep emotions, roadblocks, and a need for healing for sure. i could say right now, I am not ok. but like everyone else keeps telling me, i will be just fine and ok. 🙂 for now, i want to encourage you in todays Spiel. not so sad dark or psalmy… hopefully because eh life has been enough of that itself. so come today, i began door dashing to make money as bills are calling my name and well the whole job thing is going differently than i expected. really. the job i had, i left because it was making me actually lose my fucking mind. i dont per-say feel saved when the thought of it boils what it does inside of me. let’s bring it back. i get easily angered and frustrated at the slightest inconvenience, i don’t pay too much attention to driving at times because it’s pretty rough here in the city, im stressed about school, also I PASSED MY LAST TEST and I graduate next week!!!! i just purely feel like a sequel to a story or a broken, hurt, person who would do anything to get or feel love right now, can i be honest? this wasn’t supposed to be like a psalm but man. Have Mercy. i am feeling the feels, experiencing the tide, and what feels like not strong enough against the waves. ok. im weak, broken, fucking tired. i feel like i failed every single fucking person, more or less myself and God. im sorry im just not enough. im sorry that i cant understand. i cant even imagine how many prayers i prayed that life went the way it has. i just can’t. i am deeply disappointed because i do not understand it at all, so much for the on fire thrilled Nickolette 2 yrs ago. these past two years have gone nothing like i thought. and, perfection is an absolute asshole of a lie. i had to say it, because who do you think i am to think I look like being u? no, I have cracks in my soul, i have a weary heart, im burnt the fuck out and so hurt, im in so much pain i could spend my day screaming. im human, i have a period. Lord, please help me. i got nothing to hide yall. NOTHING. idk how im still going at times, i just dont. death better get out of my way because Jesusssssssssss’ Name yall. i mean, are we fighting death or like is life life. i literally don’t know what is going on except the pain it was to be hurt in the first place and how much deeper and painful it is to heal…. ooooweee. I need a Band-Aid, y’all, help me. please. wym you call me strong and courages like Joshua, get in the game…. wut who are you talking to because it isn’t me. ok anyway… with all this being said. i’m learning that it will not get easier, it just won’t – that is the last thing i want to hear and that makes me want to be done, honestly. but… there is nothing like a champion when life does hit them, punch them, or kick them and somehow you are still walking, alive, breathing. i can’t begin to be so grateful for the support i have, the friends, the community, everything. it may take time, be a process, and well not be overnight or amazon prime day delivery.. as much as i want but, we have one life, and the fact i feel emotions, the fact i am as beautiful as i am, the fact i get to delight in simple pleasures like food, family, and community friends… phone calls, the kitchen, i mean, whatever it may be. it’s ok. it’s knocking the shit out of me but it is ok because im not alone, and neither are you friend. there are times that it may feel or seem the complete opposite, or we desire a different type of attention we haven’t had for yrs 🙁 but, we have so much right here in the mess of it all. so don’t you worry because learning comes with the many erasers and scribbles. nothing like the essay without the brainstorm and drafts… 🙂 it’s ok, we are in draft season baby and we are getting through, this essay finna be on it’s own special place in God’s heavenly Kingdom one day, because well. The King of Glory is undefeatable yall. dance it out, scream it out, cry it out but don’t stay there as a wonderful friend of mine told me today. I love you so much o myyyy gosh my kids are going to love me annoying them with love and yet they don’t have a clue what it is to me. 🙂 praise God – are you still cool if you like, say you’re cool…?

John 17