6/23/26 written by Nickolette Burnette

there she was, lying in her bed, sick to her stomach, half-awake half-asleep. wondering why, she feels like the very kryptonite that has led her to the grave. awake, but something inside of her lays itself a corpse, and it did long ago. you think you escape or get out of such a feeling and time but for a minute and there it goes lying itself a grave inside of you – again. sin? depression? lack of motivation? purposelessness? it’s unfortunate you say but it’s very real that you feel what you do – just unbothered at the very thought or feeling except for wanting to escape such things. you did wake up, and praie God – but something inside of you doesn’t quite understand anymore. the same breath that was put into your lungs could be taken at any moment and you are – ok – with that. it doesn’t feed you with such aspiration as it could per-say. oh death, what happened to grace? where did my zeal go? did you take me to the grave already… we are so spiritual in our beings and yet just drench our selves in the sin of this world making ourselves deathly ill and sick in it not beginning to understand what the problem even is. you could have anything you want and that doesn’t even matter. money, marriage, kids, sometimes these very dreams don’t wake you up the way they used to. I keep thinking of how Jesus was obedient to death so I could be free and yet He was lying in that grave, dead, until the third day… so He quite literally experienced death. as we all will. but, He rose again. It isn’t like a prayer did that, It was the promise long spoken before that ever happened that came to pass in the power of God that did such a thing. The only account of it too. Friend, idk if you are feeling this way – dead but alive, breathing but don’t know why anymore. Can i tell you something? Back in my bedroom at home in summer of June 24′ I faced the end of myself and I was in a lot of pain. I think the breakup and unfathomable pain from it i went through triggered something I was already experiencing unfortunately. I was having sex – alot. abusing myself past my own limits and boundaries. once captive and a slave to my sin. i would masturbate until i simply couldn’t feel anything anymore. and the whole time, i was missing something – deliberately. i was laying myself a bed of death when i felt it’s slight sting what felt like close to me in ways i feel as if id never hoped before. being ok with not being alive is such a sad thing for me to think because i know the girl who dreamed, fought, put her all in – and it still led me here… that has me questioning somethings. I quickly took action and sprang into a conversation with God because I couldn’t begin to and did not want to feel such a way, i wanted marriage, kids, a relationship. there were many things i didn’t care about then that i do now. like people and yes walking in God’s purpose which feels impossible – but, I i vented, complained, screamed, i said every Word i felt i wanted to and within that was so much weeping and embrace for what i was going through emotionally, man i was so so hurt and weary and tired on the inside 🙁 like, i hadn’t been ok for a long time. and it all came crashing down on me in that time period. now, idk what i expected or what, i never really prayed before outside of imposed religion that i recall. and i definitely never had a relationship with God either. but, there were signs and things along my life that i never knew but definitely felt and well – sure enough it was Him. but i stil struggled and battled some very serious things, ocd that exposed itself in physical, id turn to sexual things for comfort eventually once i discovered it – just because. the thought of me being able to make someone feel good did something for my soul – at least i thought. and yuh, that’s like not the way … by the way. but even the idea of it would linger on and on and i was ok with being able to do that for people and get nothing in return. pleasing someone is what “filled” me. hmm… maybe that is something im trying to do. i do find myself wondering how i can please God, it feels impossible with the easy entangled sin of this world and my heart. that thought drives me to deep despair. and despair wishes i was dead. as much as i hate to say it. i feel empty, sad, hopeless, full of despair, and it pains me so much to say this but ok with death. because what does it matter – part of me quite literally just doesn’t have it in me anymore. im tired, im not striving. i just dont care anymore. im done. we can’t live avoiding to mess up when it’s your nature in doing so. but trying to will absolutely exhaust you. deep breath. i see you, i hear you, i know God does far more than that. we aren’t alone in this. if you hear me, see me, im sending you a hug because i know it hurts. but we will reap a harvest. Jesus didn’t stay in the grave. neither will you. being in this skin and bones feels like the worst thing somedays. but God help us to understand the things we don’t see, help our spiritual condition and our parched souls for what we need. O God, Jesus, Please. we can’t do this anymore. we’re hurting, we’re tired, we’re longing. and we know sin isn’t the way. it’s horrendous. O God. Please save us. we can’t do this ourselves.

God Is Able

Hey, please know you aren’t alone and that we can suffer together with one another. Talk to God, that changed my life i trust that if you never have before or even if you have it can, too. Someone out there loves you, you may not know them yet – but they do.